I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
