She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
sarcasm needs its own font
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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