i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
