So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
