got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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