How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
