he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
