I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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