I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
