when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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