1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
vagina is talking i cant
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
