The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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