I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize