your parents love me but you hate me
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
