Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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