help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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