UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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