Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
