i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
