I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
