soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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