My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
