the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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