Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize