the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Randomize
