I can text with my tongue
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
