So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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