How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
