everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
