Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
