I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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