I bet he comes in French.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
