I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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