I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
