Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
