I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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