I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
