You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
