i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
