The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
