that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
