The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
