I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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