I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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