I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
