my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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