I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
