do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
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