Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
