but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
