All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
