i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
