I should be sponsored by Trojan
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
