The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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