just survived the first fart of the relationship.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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