We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
