cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
