There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize