My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Less talking, more tequila
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
