Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
