Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
