getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
