Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
