I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
there is glitter all over my balls
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
