So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
