I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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