You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i think i scared a bird with my dick
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
