I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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