I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
