ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
