Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
