i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
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